Cosmos of Kate

I feel extremely privileged to have grown up as a child of the 80s. I might go as far as to say that my generation had the best music of any generation. As an elder millennial however, my parents are of the boomer generation, and with that came the introduction to a wide variety of classic rock music. A couple of my childhood obsessions stemming from this were Fleetwood Mac and The Who, the latter being my very first concert on my 13th birthday. Talk about EPIC! But there is one band that stole my heart of hearts, and still holds it to this day. Of course I’m talking about The Beatles.

I of course knew of The Beatles as a younger child, but my real introduction to them came when The Beatles Anthology was released in 1995. It’s hard to believe I was only 11 at the time, but that anthology changed my life forever. I became obsessed with their music, had posters of them in my bedroom, wore Beatles t-shirts, had all of their albums, knew all of their songs by heart (and still do, of course). Their music always makes me happy when I hear it. It feels like visiting with an old friend, or receiving a warm hug.

One of the many songs of theirs that I love is titled “In My Life.” I’m sure many of you are familiar with it, but if not, do yourself a favor and go listen to it now. It’s a song about love, nostalgia, thinking about the past, looking forward to the future. I even remember the year my brother graduated high school, one of his classmates played it on her acoustic guitar during the ceremony. It’s a very relatable song to.. well, anyone. If you’re human, you can relate to it.

It starts out reminiscing about past places and people ‘in my life’ and quickly transitions to mentioning a new love that is different, more meaningful than the others that came before. It had been some time since I last heard it when I listened to it again recently, and one of the lyrics made me ponder this time around.

“But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new“

I was in the car this time when I was listening to it, driving from my house to visit my parents. These lyrics made me pause and really think “who do I love in my life right now that no one else compares to?” Likely the song was written about a love interest, and most people probably think about their love interests when listening to the song, but it could easily be applied to familial or friend relationships as well. I love some very very dear and amazing people in my life, and all of them know who they are. But as I was driving, contemplating this question, it hit me suddenly. The person I love the absolute most right now, the one who makes my memories of other loves lose their meaning because I’m finally thinking of love in a different way… is myself.

For the very first time in all my life, I can genuinely say that I love and cherish myself the most right now. And isn’t that how your entire life should be? Shouldn’t we all love ourselves the most of anyone? Why then does it seem like narcissists are the only ones who are good at it? Why are we oftentimes our own worst enemies, the harshest judges of ourselves, hating ourselves for various reasons, being the most critical of ourselves, always needing validation from others?

I have always been an extremely harsh judge of myself, talking down to myself, thinking I’m not good enough (in many different ways), berating myself for multitudes of reasons on a daily basis. Living with myself felt very difficult. I often felt like I wanted to escape myself somehow. But how can you escape yourself when you live inside your own brain?

I’ve always used writing as an outlet, writing poetry (or blog posts) when my feelings get too big, but that’s just an outlet, not a solution. I discovered therapy during a particularly difficult chapter of my life. That was more than seven years ago, and I still have biweekly sessions. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a huge advocate for therapy and working on yourself. Over those seven years, I went through major ups and downs, experimented with different lifestyles, and even made a few drastic life decisions. But every day, every single day, I was working to become a better version of myself. However, only recently have I truly realized that I’m not doing this for someone else. I’m not putting in all this work so I can attract a life partner. I’m not trying to become a better daughter, aunt, sister, best friend. I’m trying to become a better ME. When I put in the work on myself, all of those other things happen naturally… or I end up realizing those things aren’t going to/don’t need to change. Becoming the best version of yourself brings life into focus. It’s like looking through an out of focus telescope at a distant star or planet. You make adjustments here and there, look through a different lens, change the eyepiece, rub your eyes, maybe even change your own glasses before looking again. When all the while, you just needed to turn a little dial a few clicks one way or the other an all of a sudden.. aha, there you are!

It is just within the last several months that I have started to finally feel this way about myself, like I’m finally seeing and becoming the person that I want to be. I rarely have self deprecating thoughts or feelings of inadequacy anymore, I rarely feel sad or depressed, and I rarely think about how decisions I make for myself will affect others, because I’m not making said decisions for them, I’m making them for me. I can say with a full and open heart, that I genuinely LOVE my life and myself right now. I love who I am, I love who I’m becoming, and yes, I even hold space in my heart for who I used to be, because I couldn’t be who I am today without her. If I could give everyone in the world one piece of advice for how to make their lives better, how to be happier, it would be to embrace the hard work it takes to become a better version of yourself, whatever that work looks like. Don’t look to outside influences, or rely on other people to make your life better or happier. When you truly shine the spotlight inward and put the broken pieces together on your own, that is when you will know what it means to lead a truly satisfied, fulfilling life.