Cosmos of Kate

Growing up female has taught me many things. First and foremost, men are necessary in your life. You are helpless and sad without a man at your side. Prince charming is out there, and it is your duty in life to find him. If you do not find your prince charming, the world will cast you out and you will end up a shriveled old witch with a chip on her shoulder.

I was also a tomboy growing up. I didn’t want to find a boy to faun over, I wanted to do what they did. I wanted to have short hair, ride BMX bikes, and play in the dirt. I hated wearing dresses, wasn’t interested in pretty things and the color pink, and definitely wasn’t what you would call “ladylike.” Honestly, very little of that has changed since becoming an adult, and I have always felt like some of it might hinder my ability to find myself a good man who loves me enough to put a ring on it.

Society in general seems to agree that the natural progression of life should be something along the lines of graduate high school -> go to college -> get a job -> find a spouse -> get married -> buy a house -> have babies -> have a midlife crisis -> get divorced -> then figure out what your life is really about. Both men and women, typically by the time they are in college, are constantly being asked by their friends and families who they are dating, when they’re going to settle down, when they’re going to have kids. Even when people do get married and perhaps decide they don’t want children, the question always comes up. And when it’s made known that someone doesn’t want to follow this traditional life trajectory, the question is always – why not? The question we should be asking ourselves and each other is – why is this the linear progression of life that we feel everyone must follow?

As a woman born in the 1980s, I feel extremely grateful that I didn’t have social media around to influence me when I was growing up, but even still, there were certainly plenty of magazines and TV shows, and we did have access to the internet by the time I was in junior high and high school. The societal influence on young women was still extremely prominent, and we were not yet going through the mindfulness movement of the 2000s, so the stress and anxiety caused by trying to fit within the confines of societal expectations was extremely taxing on our mental health.

Luckily for me, I did find someone I loved in high school. We moved in together after I graduated, and I was certain we would end up getting married and moving along with the whole life trajectory. Imagine my surprise when I was told four years in that that wasn’t going to happen. While there are likely multiple reasons the relationship ended, the only one I can clearly recall, the one that stuck with me as a woman, is that I had gained too much weight after high school to be appealing anymore (even though, looking back now, I was clearly a smokeshow). For any man reading this, just know that likely EVERY SINGLE COMMENT made to a woman about her weight or her looks, will end up in the self worth vault of her mind, able to be recalled at any point throughout her life, usually to berate herself, or compare herself to others. Such is the way of the female mind (with society’s help, of course).

A number of years later, when I entered into my next serious relationship, I knew in my bones that we were destined to be together forever. I just felt it! We had our ups and downs at first, but straightened things out, ended up living together, and I even bought my own house while he was living with me. We spent a lot of time enjoying life as two carefree adults with no children. Life felt good. But no matter how long I waited (six years), he kept coming up with excuses not to pop the question, and even more excuses why he didn’t want to have kids. Needless to say, one evening he sprung it on me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and was moving out.

Now.. being a woman in your mid-30s (as I was at that point in my life) in the dating scene might not sound that bad, but let me assure you. It is. One question I was frequently asked was why I was single, and worse yet, why had I never been married? Let me “mansplain” this for you all. The question on every man’s mind was “what’s so wrong with her that no one wants to lock her down?” Which, of course, was the same damn question I was asking myself. What’s WRONG with me? I had a great career, I was funny, loving, always put everyone else before myself, wanted to settle down and start a family.. so what was the problem? Why was I such a societal misfit?

Many years later, many casual relationships later, many psych meds and hours of therapy later… I finally understand the truth. Society is broken, not me. It takes a lot of work to get to the point where you can stop blaming yourself for all the bad shit that happens in your life. While there are always things that all of us can work on with ourselves, the greatest lesson I ever learned from therapy was that the ONLY thing we are able to control in our lives.. is our own actions.

I can’t expect people to stop asking me when I’m finally going to get married and have kids (here’s a secret – I’m not), and I can’t expect men to not wonder why I’ve never been married. But what I can do, is choose to focus my time and energy on myself, understanding myself, loving myself, taking care of myself. THOSE are things I can control. Feeling like a societal misfit is bad enough, but feeling like a misfit in your own life is a tragedy, one that can be changed.

I still have days that I feel like a misfit, many days in fact. Every day takes work, showing up for myself. But one thing that really gnaws at me now is when my six year old niece asks me why I’m not married and why I don’t have kids. I can see the cycle already repeating itself in her, societal expectations worming their way into her mind. I do the best I can to be a good role model for her, always talking openly about how it’s okay to be single, and not everyone finds love in their lives, but what is most important… the single most important thing any person can do in their lives, is love themselves, first and foremost. The rest will fall into place after that, or it won’t, but at least you will know that you are worthy, you are loved, you are enough.. without anyone else ever having to tell you.