Cosmos of Kate

As kids, we use our imaginations all the time. We make things out of nothing, utilize props when we play, and assign roles to things and people that make absolutely no sense except to us. I remember making bike ramps out of cinder blocks and plywood with my brother, filming a fake horror movie with my cousins using the dog as the “monster,” and whittling sticks to roast marshmallows in the campfire. But… I think most of us lose that imagination as we age. Whether it seems childish to do those types of things as we grow up, or our brains just become more inclined to follow instructions and reality than making things up. Whatever the reason, I think it’s a mistake to let go of that imagination.

I used to rely on a lot of people for help. Help with moving things, making things, fixing things, all the things. It wasn’t until I was around 34 that my life drastically changed in what I thought was a bad way at the time, but it ended up being one of the best changes of my life. I realized then that I couldn’t rely on others to help me, generally no one would be there if I did ask for help, and I couldn’t just let everything in my life deteriorate because I all I had was my brain and my own two hands. Am I exaggerating? Maybe a little bit. I did still (and do still) have people in my life that I could rely on, but a number of things happened at that point in my life that led me down the path of feeling and becoming completely self reliant.

I once read that extreme independence is a trauma response. My world shifted when I realized that it’s true, and it was true for me. I had endured things that made me feel I COULDN’T rely on anyone else, I COULDN’T ask for help without feeling disappointed or like a burden, but I eventually started realizing that most things didn’t require other people anyway. It hurt to feel and realize those things, and it still does hurt when I sit with and think about them, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t change what has happened because it made me see and understand how much I am capable of on my own. If people thought I was intimidating and a force to be reckoned with before… oh boy, just look at me now!

As I began doing more on my own, I had to problem solve in different ways than what I was used to. I found that Google is extremely helpful in finding answers to concrete questions, but problem solving some things requires imagination, thinking outside the box. It requires one to be resourceful in ways they couldn’t imagine being before. I have always been resourceful, even as a child, but as an adult that resourcefulness is required to solve real life problems that need fixing, not just creating things for fun.

When I see questions on forms such as “how would your friends describe you?,” the only thing I want to put down is ‘MacGyver,’ but I don’t think that many of my friends actually know who MacGyver is. For those that don’t know, MacGyver was a total badass television character when I was growing up, who could fix any problem or get out of any situation with whatever things he had on his person of could find lying around whatever environment he was in. It’s me, I’m MacGyver. I’m the female version of MacGyver, anyway. The more I relied on myself, the more I found myself searching for anything and everything I could use in ways that only the imagination can produce, and I found that I am really good at it. Good to the point where people actually comment on my problem solving skills. Are the solutions I come up with always perfect? No, and they aren’t meant to be. They’re meant to do the job with whatever is available in the direct environment. If I always had the RIGHT tools for the job, I wouldn’t need to MacGyver anything.

I believe this ability exists in all of us, but those that refuse to stifle their childhood imagination are better at it. I also believe those of us that do endure the type of trauma that causes ultra independence are better at MacGyvering situations not because we want to be, but because we have to be. I find now that I oftentimes refuse to accept help, even when help is offered without asking, not because I’m just being stubborn (well… okay yes, that’s part of it), but because I’m curious what my brain will come up with this time, what fun things it might create to solve whatever problem I am facing. I find it extremely satisfying being capable of leading this type of life, even if it does feel lonely at times. Learning these things about myself and knowing that I can fully rely on myself has been a big part of my journey of self love, accepting my life for what it is, and not wishing I had things that don’t or can’t exist for me. I will never view my independence or my resourcefulness as anything but a beautiful and essential part of who I am, and who I will always strive to be.