Cosmos of Kate

Growing up, I always wondered why people went through so-called “midlife crises.” It never made sense from a young mind that people would be so unhappy with their lives they would want to drastically change them in some way. The reality is, a person never really understands what life is like at any given age until they reach it.

When I was younger, one of my worst fears was some day finding out I am physically unable to have children. All I ever wanted when I grew up was a family of my own, a partner who was loving and supportive, a couple of kids running around, a comfortable house and a dog. The last two I did get, the first two are never going to be part of any hand I am dealt. It took the better part of the past six years to fully come to terms with the hand I had been dealt, and realizing that while I may not be holding a royal flush, I was holding a winning hand, just not the one I originally hoped for.

Turning 40 felt a lot heavier than I ever thought it would. It always just seemed like a number, what could be so bad about turning a certain age? The truth was, hitting that mid-life point and realizing I was leading a completely different life than the one I had dreamt of felt… disappointing and shitty. I felt like a failure. Why did everyone else around me seem to have what I wanted and yet I could not find it? What was so wrong with me that I didn’t deserve that life too? Now I was at an age where it was very unlikely that life would ever happen for me and it hurt.

Several things have kept my head above water recently, to the point where I finally feel like I can swim to shore instead of submitting to drowning. One is therapy. Never underestimate having someone to lay your soul bare to who is not at all connected to your personal life. Another is medication. I always fought the idea of psychiatric meds, as I think many people do. I’ll never forget how it felt to realize the effect they were having on mood and my outlook on life. It felt like I had always been held down by a weighted blanket and told it was normal to feel that way, when someone finally came and threw back the covers, allowing me to finally be able to get out of bed and LIVE.

It was with the help of these two things, plus some real serious soul searching around my 40th birthday that made me understand and truly FEEL like I am right where I’m supposed to be at this moment in my life. The biggest realization I have had in life thus far is that a person can’t plan their life. In the words of John Lennon “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” This is truth. I have experienced it in my own life and am now watching it happen in the lives of those I love. We all have ideas of where we want out lives to lead us, but we’re more like the GPS that says “turn right in 400 feet” when the unknown entity behind the wheel turns left instead.

It’s okay to feel powerless and still enjoy the ride. Let the tide take you out to sea, stop fighting against the pull to swim back to shore. Instead, think of how exciting it might be to find and experience a land you never knew existed.